How to lose weight effortlessly

Perhaps appropriately, it was during French classes in England that I learnt an important lesson: the world doesn’t always see you the way you see yourself.  One of our exercises involved writing a description of ourselves in French.  The teacher then read out what we wrote, and the class had to identify the person based on that.

It went well till the teacher read out my piece of paper.  “Slim female with dark hair,” read the teacher in French.  I leaned forward expectantly, ready to be identified.  Instead, silence descended on the class as everyone looked at each other, puzzled.  Finally I put my hand up.  “It’s me,” I said eagerly.  The person sitting next to me looked shocked.  A few people sniggered.  Someone giggled.  The teacher politely tried hard to suppress a smile.  I tried to retreat to the back of the class as unobtrusively as possible. 

I didn’t get very far with French after that but the very next day I did join a gym.  I started working out every day. I tried having muesli for breakfast and salads for dinner.  I lost weight.  I got myself tighter trousers.  I liked looking at myself in the mirror.  I felt sexy.  I felt virtuous.

 

It lasted a month.  Then the fat fought back and the scales moved north. 

Battling the bulge has been an intellectual obsession ever since.  I’ve studied the GM diet and the Atkins diet and everything in between.  I’ve found out about the pros and cons of every gym in every neighbourhood I’ve been in, about every school of yoga.  I’ve tried grilling and baking food instead of frying, and used olive oil, mustard oil, sunflower oil, coconut oil, and possibly every sort of ‘healthy’ oil available.  But the more I grilled, the more I yearned for that aloo paratha dripping with ghee.  And the day I had gym scheduled was the day I inevitably found myself too tired, or having to go out with a friend, or trying to meet a deadline.  After my children were born, I gave up – and focused on shops specialising in extra large sizes instead.  I wore my fat with pride and decided that I was merely, to quote Obelix, “well rounded.”

Then last Christmas, while shopping with my sister in Singapore, I found what I had been looking for all my life: the outfit of my dreams.  Walking on air, I headed for the trial room.  Disaster.  It didn’t fit, even though I had the largest size.  I huffed and I puffed.  I took the deepest breaths possible, tried every contortion of my body (wishing I’d taken yoga more seriously).  No Luck.  For a moment, unable to move, unable to breathe,  with my arms raised awkwardly and the dress stuck halfway over my crushed and flattened breasts and refusing to budge,  I panicked and wondered if there might be easier ways to die.  Fortunately two saleswomen suspected something was wrong and came to my rescue.

Reality does indeed bite – hard.  I left the shop heartbroken, and shed more tears on my pillow that night than I ever have for any lost love.  Then it was time for ACTION!  But how?  It would mean giving up my long-running Experiments with Food.  So perish that thought.  And gyms, for all the gorgeous hulks hanging around, get boring after a while.  Besides, with full time work and two children, where was the time for gymming?

I should have known – in India, one never lacks for advice.   Even before my predicament was made public, complete strangers in the street had, on various occasions over the years,  kindly suggested that I try this herb or walk on the grass in the early morning or check out that ayurvedic medicine (and I don’t think it ever occurred to them that it might be rude to let someone know you think they are fat).  Now, an abundance of suggestions on losing weight painlessly poured in from friends and family.  I’ve tried some of them, am planning to try the others.  Here’s what I learnt:

     1.  Have breakfast like a king, lunch like a worker and dinner like a pauper.  Easiest for me – and it does work!

2.       Don’t give up any of the food you like. Just reduce the quantity – gradually, spoonful by spoonful, every day.  Eventually you end up happy eating less.  Again easy to do, and very effective.

3.       Give up on sugar.  A friend of mine swears she lost many kilos simply by cutting out the sugar from her tea (she had about five cups a day). I’m working on this one.

4.       Eat small meals every two hours.  My colleagues at work are trying this out and say it works.  I tried it, and found myself having big meals every two hours instead – so that backfired a bit.

5.       Sleep well – and long.  Research has apparently shown that regular sleep of less than five hours leads to lower metabolism and weight gain.

6.       For mothers – breastfeed your child for as long as possible.  This one, I can testify, works like a dream – the flab just shed themselves!  And for pure joy and contentment, this is an experience hard to beat.

7.       Eat early.  Many people have told me this, so there must be some truth to it, though I don’t quite know the science behind this.

8.    Walk to your colleagues at work.  Don’t just call, walk to their offices.  Walk everywhere in the office for that matter. Climb those stairs instead of the elevator.  It does work.

9.    Play with your kids.  Run around the park with them.  Play football.  Help them up the slide or swing.  They love it, you love it, and you get into shape!

10.   Dance!  Once, at a friend’s party, I met this amazingly beautiful woman and couldn’t resist asking her what her secret was.  “I just love dancing,” she replied, “ I dance to music as I move about the house every day.”  My daughter loves dancing too.  So now, after I get home, I put the music on, and dance with her, to nursery rhymes, to ‘Bum Bum Bole’ or ‘All is well’ or whatever.  We have a blast, I don’t have to feel guilty about being away from my children to exercise.

11.   Cook in coconut oil (at least sometimes).  Not sure why, I read somewhere that it's something to do with medium chain fatty acids – apparently you put on less weight. 

 12.    Have regular hot sex!  Your heart rate goes up, your metabolism goes up, your calories burn up –  a 100 calories lost for an average 30-minute lovemaking session, if some articles are to be believed.  This is one solution my husband is happy to encourage.

13.  Finally, laugh a lot!  It burns fat, it exercises many muscles, and it cheers you up.  I hope that's what this blog has made you do.